Travis's friend Mike came over yesterday night and we all smoked a joint in his room. The two of them started jamming, but it was mostly just noise that at the time sounded funny. I lay on the bed trying to read my textbook after I don't know how many hits. I don't do it that often, but when I do I wish I could feel that enveloped in nothingness all the time. Lost so that I can't find my way back to the everyday norm. It's a good feeling.

How come guys don't seem to want to have sex when you do. But then always assumes that you'll be ready when they want it? It doesn't make any sense. I woke up this morning, and Travis was uncharacteristically handsy. But I am not usually in the mood right when I wake up, and plus he was just hoping for a quickie before work. Eventually I gave in and let him do what he wanted. He doesn't have to know that my satisfaction was faked.

I didn't expect the snow that we got last night. But atleast I got something out of it.. school was cancelled. Whoot! Atleast I got Travis to take me out for an hour or two this afternoon.  So I wouldn't go completely mad. While at home doing nothing of meaning today I came across the trailer for Funny People, that looks like it's going to be great. Tried finding a few people I once knew via myspace, but was unsuccessful. If I don't become paralyzed with laziness, then I will work on completing some of my homework and finish Naked Lunch. My goals are: lose weight (bought negative calorie diet book recently), get my license soon, buy a car, get a new job, complete school, fix my wardrobe, get myself out of my shell enough to form some friendships (to which I am lacking and need despertly). And those are just for starters. Besides doing a few errands here in town, I haven't done really anything else. Kill me now. So bored.

Yesterday was by far a mixed bag. Travis picked me up from work and we went straight home. After making sure we had everything and changing we took off for Boston. The cast from MST3000 are in Boston for two days and are riffing movies for our viewing pleasure. Travis has loved watching the show since he was in third grade, so it went without question that we were going. I made sure to pack road tunes and snacks for the ride. Getting there wasn't bad, except for some parts which was a little hard to navigate despite having mapquest directions on hand. It was our first little trip together. He was nervous that we were going to get lost, and since we didn't have my cell on us we were basically on our own. We got there at about 6:30, and went out to eat where the food was amazing! The only thing I wished was that it was warmer out because we had to walk from the parking lot to our destinations. The show started at 8pm, so we went to the car first and grabbed snacks to munch on throughout. Since was only 7pm we had to wait in the where you buy the tickets in the theatre. It was such a big theatre, on one floor for preformances, and on the other showed actual movies. Mr. Rosso from Freaks and Geeks was there and he warmed up the crowd while the crew was preparing. It was very funny and enjoyable, and all the while we sat there peeling oranges and watching intently. Later after the show I met Mr. Rosso and got to shake his hand, pretty cool. He sounds exactly like his character he played on tv. We also waited along with the rest of the audience in line to meet the people in Cinematic Titanic. It took forever, and was almost midnight by the time we met them. Travis was happy as a motherfucker. I took pictures with all his idols that night. It was fun for me just to be there with him. It was turning around and going home that was the bad part of the night. We got a little lost before finding our way in the right direction and Travis ended up snapping at me, because he was stressed in getting home safely. For whatever reason I lost it and screamed at him at the top of my lungs. At one point I thought I was going to lose my voice. I was tired, we didn't get to bed until two, and once I hit the pillow I was out. At inapproiate times my frustration with Travis and his behavior towards the relationship gets on my nerves. For me the night was ruined once I lost my cool. Maybe I have bipolar disorder, because from happy I turned to being mad and then crying and depressed in short intervals of each other that night. I love Travis, he really puts up with a lot. Hopefully tonight will be completly different going home.

I feel as creative on a day to day basis as a robot. There was a time when I wrote on anything I could get my hands on. Writing in the dark even, just making sure that I had each of my thought in writing. Of course this was when I was living at home. A bad way to grow up, but a feeding ground for poems, journal entries and short stories glaore. If I hadn't met Travis I think I would be writing still. For one, I was able to move out and in with him. At home I stewed in my own misery, but here I don't have that. Yes, I still have depression but its not as bad as it once was. One problem is I think I too often compare myself to Travis' ability to write so well and I get discouraged.  I'm so rusty that anything is an excuse for my lack of creativity now. For instance, I say that his singing is distracting from my thoughts and the tv on downstairs and whatever else. But I'm probably just in my own way. And where is this inspiration susposed to come from? I only wrote depressing shit and that can't happen. Also I don't have a place that is mine where I can just be so I have held myself back from not only finding out who I am but also flourshing in what I do.

I don't know what is wrong with me, I get the house to myself and I waste the time doing random things online. This is how I always am, I may know what has to be done, but if it's like homework I put it off until the last moment. Most of the time I think I get in my own way from getting anywhere in life. Maybe it's just because I haven't found anything I truly want that badly. In an hours tops the house will be filled once again with noise. Before they all come home, they being my boyfriend who I live with and his parents- I need to do homework for two different classes and read naked lunch because it's due back at the library. Woke up this morning at 8:30, I don't know where the time went. Sometimes I just wish that time if only for a little while, slow down so there would be enough time to accomplish everything that we want or that needs to get done in a day. I don't know. Maybe I have ADD, I mean my sister was diagnosed when she was in middle school of having it- maybe I do too. But it would've been nice to have known about it back in middle and highschool. Oh well.

It's getting warmer out. I love and hate spring/summer. Love it just as being able to sit outside or take a walk with my thoughts at night. This is something that I made the most of when I was younger. I hate or dislike it because I hide underneath my clothing. For one reason to cover up my scars on my arms but also because I don't like how I look. I've always hated my body, and as it gets warmer the fewer and fewer clothes people wear. And the more uncomfortable I get in my own skin. If that's possible.

You'd think that just not having a license would be incentive enough to go and get it. Or the fact that whenever I am stuck at home the damned tv is on all the time. I live with my boyfriend and his parents. I keep to myself mostly, never really say much to either one of his parents. When I'm not at my partime job serving senior citizens food at a nursing home, or occasionally hanging out with Travis somewhere- then I'm up in our room. The problem is that I guess his mother is sort of deaf in one ear and uses the tv for background so you can hear it no matter where you are in the house.

Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for them allowing me to stay here as long as I have, but there comes a point where you want to just be on your own. I'm getting to that point. But with both of us working part-time jobs, and with me not having a license and whatever other excuses we have no other choice. The last time that I brought up the subject of getting out on our own to Travis, he estimated that we might be out in 2 or 3 years. What? I've already been living here for almost three years. It would be different if I felt that his parents wanted me here, but I don't. I get mixed messages from them, his mother made me a cake for my last birthday. But neither of them say that much to me.

I can't even go and visit my family if I so desired, this is because I never really got along with any one of them. It would be nice to have someone to talk to other than Travis. But I guess I'm not that lucky. I want to have a good relationship with my family or for that matter have a normal family. Instead I was the black sheep and they were always making me feel like shit. So the only person I have in my life is Travis. Yeh I get lonely and depressed, but what can I do?

I didn't think it were possible, but I'm actually getting worse at driving then ever before. This could be becuase Travis doesn't instruct me and just stresses me out and so I just second guess myself. Over the summer I went for my license the first time, and I didn't get it. But even still I felt somewhat confident and was driving well each chance I got. Now a days I drive once in a while and only with Travis, which is showing to be a bad thing. Tonight for example I was driving home and almost got into a car accident, and it would've been all my fault. We were nearing the turn off to the road we live on and I began slowing down. There was a car in the middle on my side of the road so I would have to swerve around them when it came my turn to go. The music per Travis was blaring, and I thought he told me to go but he later insisted that he was just telling me what I should do when it was time. It all happened so quickly. I pulled out thinking that was my que and that the coast was clear. Travis was getting worked up and asking what I was doing. So I stopped right in the middle of the road and he starts screaming, if I hadn't slammed on the gas then the car would've been creamed. Making my way home I was all shaken up and crying. Not really being able to believe what had occured. If this is any indication of how I am going to be like in the future on the road, I am going to be both a mess and probably never succeed in getting my license. Oh what a night!